anamaz

hiah its nearly xmas adn in august this year i had a baby girl i called her autumn she is beautiful and wonderful adn i love her to pieces
my weight is screwed though and i must must lose weight

on the 20th i was 8.8stone or 120lb
today on the 22nd ded 2008
i am 8.6stone or 118lb i lost 2lb in 2 days i have these new diet pills called confidance adn they are really good

well ill re cap properly another taime just so you know i am back

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well what a messed up rubish life i have i hate my life so fucking much
i have no damn life i am such a freak i had no fun on my bday

oh yeah im 18 now i feel so old and battered like a 80 yr old instead i hate myself so much
god im in my deppressive mode again like this time last year shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh well i dont care
living at the ymca sucks i never go to town i hardly ever leave my room ive become a recluse i met mom and da over xmas it went ok ish no major arguement but on jmy bday there was a major arguement
ive finally told them the reason i treated them so badllyadn i was angry its coz i wanted to hurt as much as they were hurting me i hated them on my bday coz my 18th is meant to be my best bday ever i hated it i feel od adn like i have got no-where in life lately like im wasteing my life away adn doing nothig at all i hate my life so damn much

oh and loads of people in the ym are pregnant and its reminding me of how dumb i was in august i should never have made that deicision coz i was majorly deppressed i was in a n acute outpatients center what fit mind was i in to make that sort of deicision

its aarons fault i let him pay for it as i wanted it privet and he paid more so it would never be on my doctors record so my mom will never find out

geez i hate myself so much i should never make rash deicions if i had left it a month more i wouldnt have been able to do it and id have a 1 month old baby girl as my own right now my life would be so different i mean i have no reasn to live i have no job no education im a fucking recluse i hate myself i make dumb deicision i might as well be dead
damn i hate life
im going now
bye
maz
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moved to the ymca on fiday
got fucked on new year
coke n alcohol wahey and now im losing eight
maz
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hiah on saturday i went to see my lil sister who aient so lil anymore oh my god she is up to my chin and shes only 9 (1- on tuesday tomoz)
i saw my rents as well and i am gonna try to build bridges so that i can move back and sort out my life coz my life is crumbleing around me
my life is in shatters and i lost so much recently
me and michelle are still not talking and its so annoying coz i miss her like crazy she came to walk back hannah n the other day and i spoke to her a lil and gave her some money for ciggarettes
but i uess i am an ass for doing that coz she hates me and doesnt care about me anymore so why am i still caring about her?
i really miss her so badly
and yet i am still here writing about it and not doing anything about it
oh yeah becky (a girl i live with )said to me the other day that she saw michelle outside a pub and they stopped to chat and michelle usually asks hows maria doing instead asked how hannah n was
god that slashed me deeply inside my heart
i couldnt believe it how two face dher and natalie were
the other week about 2 days before the arguement they were going on about how how two faced hannah is and how they dont like her and stuff and bitching in general and saying oh nothing that comes out that girls mouth id the truth she bullshits everyone etc (which is true)
and now they are al best buddies it really done make sense anymore


right weight wise i am not losing anything coz of my psych i wanna getr this over with till she is gone adn cant interfere with my weight losing

ok gonna go now
maz
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i spoke to her ages ago and she thinks we are not on a level anymoer so i guess sehe dont wanna be my friend no more i cant change her mind though
so i dunno what im gonna do except wait a lil longer and then go see her and ask her to change her mond agiain
i saw anthony today ad he said she looks in a bad way adn i am worried abuout her coz of that thing she does and she was only stopping doing it coz of me!!!
well i am worried as hell i am petrified
maz
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hey i went to my psychiatrists today and its the first one ive been to since i was in hospital in april coz of my od and she picked up straight away that i have ana

she hasnt been allowed to read my notes coz im over 16 and you have tosign to let anyone read them so she didnt no and she asked me about 15 mins in what i thought about my body and i aid it was ok (i had to lie)

and then she asked me loads of q's to do with food etc and she said she is worried that i have a ed coz i speak the language

i thin she mena that i undrstood what she was saying that no normal person understands and then she caught me out by changing to stone and lb and then kg

i kept up the converstaion and she said no normal person no's al the weight things and keeps up with it

oh no i have to see her in like a week and a bit and im scared now

i have refused for her to see my files and she dont mind

but i am worried do u think shell try n stop my ana ?

i told her i was 8 stone when im actually 7.7

i said i was 112lb when im 105

was the 8st 112lb too low?


maz

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i just take back what i said earlier i am so not gonna do it anymore
i am in a dream land if i think its ever gonna happen i am alone in the world now and that is is
maz
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hey i am feeling like shit today
i told michelle something i did in august
adn she is not wanting me to go see her anymore coz it hurts her to bad
i got her a me to you bear saying sorry yesterday adn i am gonna go see her soon today
i hope she will talk to me
i was reading my written diary this afternoon and it said that she told me she cred adn loves me alll the time even when we are in a arguement and she never stops caring about me
so that gave me new hope
i am now gonna see her with new hope
so yeah i am gonna go now
maz
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